| so where do we go from here? just about anywhere... |
[30 Sep 2004|10:18am] |
there's no doubt that i've changed a lot in the last year or two, and it's plainly obvious if you go back and read older entries of mine (or ones that i've reposted and claimed as new). i've had the misfortune of being called "amazing", "inspiring", and all sorts of other things that eventually made me write in such a way to try to satisfy certain expectations (least of all my own). there's no doubt that some people are disappointed in the person i've become, due in large part to the things i've given up on (that i once claimed were my life).
i also have taken to spending entirely too much time online, rather than taking steps to solidify current friendships and make new ones. there's so much life that i'm missing out on by sitting idly in front of the computer screen. i've met a handful of you in person, and would like to meet even more, hence my last post.
the main reason, however, for the last post is that i've come to the decision that i'm done with this journal. i'm not sure yet if there'll be a new one or not. i won't update anymore with this one, but i'll check in periodically with some of you, but i'd much rather take to writing letters and making phone calls. better yet, surprise visits and fort-making.
that being said, i hope to be in touch soon. i've been a terrible penpal as of late, and i think that taking this step will be one in the right direction.
if you need to get in touch with me, there are several ways:
you can email me at theheartarmed at yahoo dot com
you can get me on AIM sometimes at lifelovepolitics
you can write me at: 114 Pine Cone Dr.; Toney, AL 35773
or you can call my cell phone at 256.655.7768
may life bring you the magic that all of you deserve.
hushabye and goodnight
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| somewhat of a reprise |
[28 Sep 2004|08:16am] |
one day in my genetics lab, i was rattling off reasons i'm unhappy in there, and one of the points i made was that the 2 hours i spend in there are 2 hours of my life i'll never get back. someone replied to that with "don't say it like that", and i've been thinking about the subject for a few days now.
in the grand scheme of things, life is short. for some people it's shorter than others, and since we're unsure as to exactly how long any of us have to be alive, it's important to make the most of your time. each day, each hour, each block of ten seconds that you spend doing something is ten seconds you'll never get back. did you do something worthwhile? did you do something that made the world around you a better place?
when you're waiting in line at the store, strike up a conversation with the person behind you and find something to compliment them on
when you're driving (or riding) to work and you're stopped next to somebody, smile at them
when you're up before everybody else in the house, make pancakes and orange juice for your roommates. put a little extra syrup on them
when you're at the library, check out any of paulo coelho's books
when you're outside, listen to the birds and crickets sing
and when you're in genetics lab waiting for a sample to finish incubating, bring up the magic of pablo neruda's words with your classmates
that being said, i'm getting closer to being 26 by the minute. with any luck, i'll have plenty of fun-livin and hard-drinkin (carrot ginger juice, of course) years ahead of me
and i hope that you do too
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| dreaming to avoid certain responibilities (read: lab reports) |
[27 Sep 2004|10:12pm] |
periodically i go through spells where i don't feel so well emotionally, more often than not there's not any reason for it, and after a day or so i get over it.
i can feel that i'm beginning to go into one of said spells now, and, as per usual, there's no reason. maybe it's because i only got about 4 hours of sleep, then drove 2 1/2 back here, rode my bike 3 hours, and went to work.
the nutritional yeast mac & cheese i made tonight was good though.
so maybe not everything's bad.
i did see a white-tailed deer while i was on a bike path in south huntsville.
i also saw turtles and herons near where i saw the deer.
the moon is absolutely brilliant in the sky right now.
the new shadows fall cd is really good.
i talked to my friend liz in greensboro, north carolina for about half an hour.
with each passing moment, i get more and more excited about the idea of living in europe.
there is a big fluffy cat here that loves me.
the shirts i bought last weekend look really good on me.
i put more change in my jar labeled "bike school"
my glove tan is getting more noticeable.
i'm almost done building another track bike from mostly used parts. it's like frankenstein with wheels.
starkweather's new record is coming out soon (and as a side note- ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mckaig- do you happen to have a copy of the starkweather lp/cd "crossbearer" by any chance? or anyone else, for that matter?)
i laughed a lot today.
i snuggled a lot this weekend.
i smiled a lot this weekend.
i'll smile a lot this coming weekend.
i think i ate too much.
oh dear.
whispered: hushabye and goodnight
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[26 Sep 2004|08:18pm] |
lately i've come to the decision that i'd really like to work in a bakery, preferably in Italy somewhere. Sarah isn't adverse to the idea of living in Europe, so for the time being, she's humoring my silliness. when i move to tuscaloosa, since it'll be a few months before the bike shop is even hiring, i'll have to get a job elsewhere for a while, and i've really been considering a job in a bakery, or delivering flowers. maybe it's all silly and cliche, but i'd like to do something that puts a smile on someone's face, rather than just doing something boring because it pays well. Sarah also humors me in my decisions to do something that will pay terribly. it's wonderful that she also has happiness as a higher priority than financial success. it's one of the many, many reasons that i'm completely madly in love with her
back to the subject of ridiculousness-
lately i've been lusting after some things to the point of having dreams about them-
a wheelset by lightweight/carbonsports. they cost a ridiculous amount of money (upwards of 2000 euros), are really light (coming in at 1130 grams for a 16 spoke front/20 spoke rear combination), and are dead sexy. not to mention the choice of 2 guys who know a thing or two about being fast on a bike:
Jan Ullrich in the 2003 Tour de France time trial
Mario Cipollini at the 2002 world championships
and even though i posted a picture of this bike the other day, i'm going to repost it since it's been weighing heavy on my mind (and heart):
Casati Arte. i think they only make 200 a year. i NEED one
and one last bike:
Bianchi Milano. Celeste is one of the best frame colors ever.
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[24 Sep 2004|10:17pm] |
it's right in the middle of the bike show season, and a lot of companies brought out incredible new things for the Eurobike show in Friedrichshafen, Germany and the EICMA show in Milan. looking at the pictures has left me lusting over some of the new bikes (not to mention the desire to go to Italy and have a custom frame built for me), so i thought i'd share for those that are interested:
( lots of new bike stuff i like )
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[24 Sep 2004|07:59am] |
i wasn't really using the last post as a pity party- i was just saying that i felt like that this journal had completely gone away from what it was that made you folks add me as a friend in the first place. if you go back and look at my entries from a year or two ago, they were so much more meaningful than the ones i've been doing as of late. being in a routine in life doesn't make for engrossing reading, as is evidenced by the lack of comments on my recent entries. the whole "you can delete me thing" was really written for people that have a hard time or feel bad about taking people off their friends lists- i'm not that concerned that someone who deletes me thinks less of me as a person. this is livejournal, not real life. if i take someone off of my friends list, it's not because i think negatively of them as people- there are just journals that i don't read anymore, for whatever reason. simple as that
so yes, it was meant for those people that have been thinking about taking me off their lists. i promise, there will be no hard feelings if you take me off (unless you just start talking shit about me in friends-only entries). so delete away
when i was looking in the mirror this morning, i noticed that my thighs, at their widest point, are wider than my hips by a good bit. it's not quite as exaggerated as the main character in the triplettes of belleville, but worth a laugh nevertheless
also, since monday, i've ridden 150 miles, and plan to do another 40-50 today. i'll take saturday off to recover, and i'll probably ride another 20 or 30 on sunday morning.
and yes, i look like a big dork in my quick-step jersey and bibs. i'll post pictures later to prove it
hushabye and goodmorning
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[23 Sep 2004|06:18pm] |
it's obvious that this is getting trite and boring.
feel free to delete me.
seriously.
i have nothing relevant to say anymore.
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[22 Sep 2004|09:07am] |
hi.
how are you?
i've been doing well- just riding and what not. i have a test in my cell biology class on thursday, but for some reason, i'm oddly calm. nevertheless, it'll probably be a rough.
now that i've decided i'm not going to go to grad school, i'm having a hard time getting motivated to do anything school-related.
it's beautiful here. i hope it's the same for you.
yours,
brian
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[15 Sep 2004|06:48am] |
everyone go wish danwarning a happy birthday. he's an awesome guy, and deserves the well-wishes.
ten things:
1. i am terrible with money.
2. i used to have a huge fear of dogs. HUGE.
3. i used to speak german fluently, but now just know a few phrases.
4. i am obsessed with looking at my legs in the mirror.
5. i'm beginning to not like oatmeal.
6. shorts and a hoodie is quite possibly my favorite clothing combination.
7. i dropped a pan on my little toe the other day.
8. when i laugh really hard, i cackle.
9. i'm not very good at being a friend sometimes.
10. i always catch bugs in my hands and put them outside, unless they sting. then i get a jar.
have a beautiful day my friends
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| nobody reads this anyway. |
[09 Sep 2004|10:24am] |
after finishing second yet again in a sprint, maybe erik zabel should change his name to "mr. number 2", since raymond poulidor already has "the eternal second"
i rode 23 miles this morning with a head wind nearly the entire time. i have a 5 hour break between my classes today, so i'll try to ride another 40 or 50 miles in there somewhere.
yes, i'm crazy. then again, what else is new?
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[08 Sep 2004|10:17pm] |
don't forget to watch the stars.
hushabye and goodnight
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| wheels on the bike go rond and round |
[07 Sep 2004|10:16am] |
it's time to get serious about chasing my dream and to stop making excuses.
bikes are the only thing i ever think about (aside from sarah), and it just doesn't make sense for me to even consider doing something else, as i'd just be thinking about bikes and when i could ride again, when i should be focusing on the task at hand. i learned that while i was in costa rica- i half-assed my time spent in the forest because all i wanted to do was ride. while i'm in school, i don't focus on lecture or studying because i am thinking about bikes i'd like to ride. it's a good thing i work at a bike shop, because then it's not so noticeable when i space out and think about getting both the quick step and fassa bortolo team kits. when i fall asleep at night, i have bike parts and tubing in my head. when i wake up, i have complete bikes in mind.
i am in love with bikes.
i am in love with sarah.
i love my life.
i love life.
hushabye and good day
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| dr. atkins would be proud |
[05 Sep 2004|08:05am] |
i like bread. a lot.
i'd say carbohydrates compose about 75% of my food intake.
pasta too. i like that a bunch.
and what's even better! bread and pasta in one meal! oh man! that's the life!
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[04 Sep 2004|09:42pm] |
sarah and i are leaving in the morning for louisville. again, i'd love to see as many of you as possible. joe and i will be riding at some point, but i'm not sure when. i know that there are plans for folks to eat at ramsey's tomorrow night, but i'm not sure of the time. if you need, give me a call at 256.655.7768 and i'll let you know what's what.
that being said, here's a recent picture of eddy merckx, slimmed down and looking ready to contest the tour next year (he's also holding a new carbon bike that is supposedly ridiculous light):
hushabye and goodnight
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[02 Sep 2004|07:29am] |
you'll have to forgive my lack of quality updates as of late. i'm becoming increasingly bored with the routine i'm falling into with my life (including my continual checking of livejournal). with any luck, that will change soon enough.
i had my first wreck while riding yesterday. i was going down the sidewalk in order to avoid some construction, and had to go into the grass for a moment. when i was making my way back onto the sidewalk, there must have been a lip of some sort, because my wheel just turned sideways and down i went. i was only going about 10 miles per hour, so i didn't get too beat up. my hip has a good size patch of road rash and my shin has a small segment. my bike bore the brunt of the fall. after a quick inspection, i noticed that both of my shifters were scratched up and angled inward and that my rear derailleur was touching my spokes. i shifted into a higher gear so i could ride back to the shop (i was 3 miles into my ride when i went down), and we took the derailleur off and i observed that the der. hanger was almost touching my 11 cog. since i have a steel frame, we were able to bend it back to its proper position, and everything seemed to work fine. i shouldn't have to worry about having stressed the hanger too much, as steel is fairly resilient, and it's an area that's not under a lot of force. if i fall on it again, though, i'll probably need to look into getting a new frame.
i read somewhere that the average road biker has a crash every 1500 miles. i've ridden nearly 5000 since i've had the bike, so i was expecting/hoping for something a bit more dramatic. something like crashes at 45mph on a descent and sliding 20 feet. or having a blowout and riding off the side of a mountain. not while riding down the sidewalk at 10mph. at least i got a good bruise out of the bargain.
i have a 5 hour break today between my cell biology and computer programming classes, so i'll try to ride a bit to alleviate some of the stiffness in my leg.
also! sarah and i will be going to louisville this weekend. we'll be coming up sunday morning and leaving monday afternoon-ish. not sure yet what the plan is, but if you want to hang out, give me a call.
i wish i could be a better friend to all of you. i wish that distance wasn't so difficult to overcome. i wish i could give you all the hugs you needed. i wish i could just show up at your door with fresh-baked carrot cake. i wish we could take walks to your favorite place in the woods. i wish we could go explore new places together, and then come back and have coffee and cake and discuss our travels.
some day my friends. someday
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[30 Aug 2004|08:45pm] |
so lately i've been thinking a lot about getting a team jersey and the matching bibshorts (and most likely the gloves as well).
( here are my top 3 choices: )
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| we'll follow these moments to the ends of the earth |
[27 Aug 2004|09:00pm] |
so after my last trip to tuscaloosa, it looks like i'll be applying for the master's of education program, with the intention of getting a general science certification. being that i'd possibly like to get started in january, i'll have to take either the gre or the mat in october/november. does anyone have any good tips for either test (i'm notoriously bad at studying, and i'm thinking about taking the test once without ever having taken/studied for it)?
also, it looks like it'll be march before they are even hiring at the bike shop there, so i'll have to come up with something else to do for a couple of months. if i'm not too busy with school and all, i may set aside one day for substituting, as that might help me get my foot in the door if ever i try to get a job teaching in tuscaloosa county somewhere.
also, i still would very much love to go to frame school, but i'm just not sure when.
sarah and i are planning a trip to louisville sometime. italy too, but that's much farther off.
when i rock out to something i'm listening to, i look like an epileptic version of a combination of bruce dickinson, elvis, and a charismatic christian. for some reason, some folks find it pretty amusing. here's what i was blasting at work: unearth, dead prez, aesop rock, tool, and this one hyde song called "fear of dreaming". also, if anyone has a copy of the first hyde cd and would burn me a copy, i'd be forever grateful.
nasum is good. very good.
having a stuffy nose and sneezing a bunch is no good.
another thing that is good: new shave gel for my legs. yes yes.
and peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
and sepultura.
and sarah's ginger cookies (as well as the banana cookies she made using skinnee_pea's recipe.
and kids on bikes.
and breed/extinction.
and the sound of cicadas.
and rocking out so hard you get dizzy.
and the stars on clear nights.
and big, fat, slow raindrops.
and kisses. bigtime.
and neruda's words.
and all of you, who are beautiful in many many ways.
hushabye and goodnight
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[26 Aug 2004|10:05pm] |
yesterday marked the 5th anniversary of my dad's death. some days it doesn't seem like it's been that long, and others it seems like it's been an eternity. nevertheless, there's a part of my heart that will never again be filled.
in the last 6 months, an entirely new portion of my heart has been filled, and i can't ever adequately describe how thankful i am for that. not only do i have an incredible best friend, but i also have the most amazing love i've ever known.
be thankful for the people around you. be thankful for your friends and family. be thankful for the smiles and hugs you get, whether they're from the oldest friends or the newest acquaintances.
tell more people you love them.
smile. hug. kiss. repeat.
hushabye and goodnight
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[23 Aug 2004|10:05pm] |
what cycling is really about.
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| listen to yaphet kotto. |
[20 Aug 2004|09:55pm] |
i tend to think too much, whether it's about insecurities, or faults, or failures. i manage to wreck myself regardless of how good of a day i've been having.
i've decided i hate the manager of the bike shop. i'm tired of continually being called "fat" and "chubby", simply because i don't have 1.6% body fat like he does. i don't think he realizes how sensitive i am to this sort of thing, and although he says things in a semi-joking manner, his words still sting. i let it bother me entirely too much. so much that, once i'm done with this entry, i'll spend at least an hour on the trainer to try to minimize the squishiness of my belly.
i've become entirely bored of the routine here. maybe once school starts things will be slightly different, but i have a sinking feeling that they won't. it won't be until i'm in tuscaloosa that this bored feeling will finally escape me. i'll have new streets to walk down after dark, and new places to watch the sun rise from.
but that isn't for another 4 months yet. and a long 4 months it'll be.
despite really enjoying most days at the bike shop, whenever john is there, i'm completely in the mood to just break shit. having nasum stuck in my head doesn't help matters any.
i need some way to actively vent my frustrations. riding gives me plenty of time to think, but many times the bad feelings just end up stewing. the idea of being in a band is still very appealing, but all of the people i'd be interested in being in a band with are either terribly busy or live hours apart from each other. maybe with enough determination, this thing can work.
that said, i'm off to commune with the trainer. blood sweat and tears and all of that
hushabye and goodnight
again, my apologies for being so bitter
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| the day will turn black and i will have either lived or died |
[18 Aug 2004|08:10pm] |
the last two days of riding i've had heavy legs, and after today's ride, i had a hard time breathing properly. whenever i'd take a deep breath, i'd have to cough, and my lungs felt much tighter than usual. every time i walked up the stairs at the shop to put a bike away, or to get another one down to repair, my legs would feel like they were going to give out.
being that i took 3 days off from riding, the feeling in my legs is a bit disconcerting. normally, with 2 or 3 days of rest, my legs feel strong and well-rested. given that i've been fairly tired the last few days, i'm beginning to think that i may be coming down with something. nevertheless, unless i feel like absolute shit tomorrow, i'll go ride again. i have goals here people. goals!
one week from today will mark the 5 year anniversary of my dad's death, and it's hard to say how it'll affect me.
tomorrow at 7 p.m. i'll be helping mr horton move 10 or 15 hives to new locations. it's been a while since i've worked with the bees, so it'll be good. i need to spend more time out in the country. this city business is making me bitter.
between the buried and me's "mordecai" is still one of the greatest songs ever. period. especially from halfway on. listen to it and see
( weekends )
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[17 Aug 2004|09:13pm] |
oh, and this is anna (melinka) and i fighting while holding umbrellas.
no, we're not dancing. silly
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[17 Aug 2004|09:05pm] |
i am actively taking steps toward moving to tuscaloosa in january. i dropped off my resume at cycle path on monday morning, and next thursday i'll be going down to talk to the people in the education department about what i need to do as far as getting into the teaching certification program goes.
other than that, i have completely run out of things to talk about with this journal.
all i do is ride and work with bikes. on the weekends i go to tuscaloosa to spend time with sarah, and it always ends up being not enough time. it'll definitely be good once i move down there and am able to see her on a more regular basis.
so yes, i'm out of words. this may be a first.
hushabye and goodnight
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| real post later |
[17 Aug 2004|06:14pm] |
note to self:
current: 7667 km
year to date: 2718 km
left to do: 3718 km
average daily (@5 days/week): 37.56 km
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| hearts and tongues linked; in this lottery we all win (reprise) |
[13 Aug 2004|08:57am] |
2 o'clock in the morning, and i'm sitting here searching for words that bear relevance to not just my life, but maybe somebody else's. not to say that this journal is written for an audience per se, but that's sort of the point by making these widely accessible, right? if we didn't want people to read our thoughts, we'd keep a standard journal. maybe it's cathartic for us. maybe we're all closet exhibitionists. maybe it's not that even, maybe it's something more...
maybe we're all scared. maybe we're so afraid that someone will find out our deepest darkest secrets that we put them out for everyone to see, ensuring that it's out in the open, thereby making them less of an unknown
and maybe we're all the outsiders. maybe everyone feels alienated in some fashion. not just activists, or punk rockers, or "generation x". sorority girls, businesspeople, old farmers who've never seen the internet. maybe every single one of us has those fears that what goes through our heads really isn't understood at all. and that, no matter how close we get to somebody, there's still the fear that they have no fucking clue as to what we're feeling. maybe we are all bound by our alienation and despair. and maybe the labels we identify ourselves with, particularly the ones describing what we don't do or don't participate in really don't fucking matter. we all find ways to separate ourselves from those around us, and then we complain about not having a supportive community structure. but then again, maybe i'm wrong
but we're all human. and we all have something to offer others. and we're all fucking alive. so let's make the most of those things
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| princess, regardless of the name |
[12 Aug 2004|08:58pm] |
last night i had dreams that i could fly. i'd get a running start, and just sort of dive into the air. once i got above the ground, i'd use my arms as if i was in water as a means of moving myself.
whenever i wake up from these dreams of flying, i always feel cheated. if there's one superhero power i'd like to have, it's the ability to fly. beyond a doubt.
i have dreams about flying fairly often, but even more than that, i have dreams of being a father and having kids. more often than not, they involve a daughter that i call "princess". she has brown curly hair, dimples, and her mother's eyes. as full as my heart felt before, it's nothing compared to what i feel for her. whenever i hold her in my arms, i feel like all the bad things and all the mistakes i've ever made have been erased- from here on it's all about her
there are bike rides where she's being pulled in the trailer behind the bike.
there are times when she's on the swing, and i'm pushing her from behind.
there are times when i walk up to her school to bring her the lunch she forgot at the house. inside the brown bag are two triangles of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
there are times when she falls asleep while i'm reading her watership down
and there are times when those brown eyes of hers just kill me
make your dreams come true.
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| august 25, 1999 (reprise) |
[08 Aug 2004|11:51pm] |
in case you haven't noticed already, a lot of my journal entries deal with the "make life beautiful" subject. in fact, i'm getting to the point where i feel like i'm flogging a dead horse. so, rather than me try to come up with yet another entry about how life is magical, and it's important to make each moment count, i thought i'd tell WHY i feel it's important to do so
for those of you that don't know, my dad died on august 25, 1999, after a fortunately brief bout with cancer. he was actually diagnosed with it about 6 months before he died, but he didn't really go downhill until about a week or so before he died. the type of cancer he had was of a form that the doctors hadn't really seen before, so they were unsure about how to go about treating it. first they tried chemotherapy. after several rounds of that without any sort of success, they moved on to radiation therapy, again with the same lack of results. at this point, my dad decided that he didn't want to be sick from the treatment anymore, and would just let time (and the tumor) take its course. within a few weeks, the tumor collapsed one lung and filled the other with fluid, causing him to basically asphyxiate.
the last time i talked to my dad before he died was the night of the 24th. he was taking a lot of morphine pills to ease the pain, so he alternated in and out of periods where he made sense conversation-wise. the following morning i had to drive to auburn, because i was still in the process of moving all of my things from there back to huntsville, and this was the last day i'd be able to go down and get my things. within about 15 minutes of being in auburn, i got the call on my cell phone from my brother saying that my dad had passed away. i packed up the last of my things as fast as i could and drove back. by the time i got back to the house, he'd already been taken to the mortuary, to be prepped for burial in pennsylvania.
there are still some issues i have to deal with regarding his death. i didn't grieve much at the time, because i felt like i had to be the "strong one" of the family. i didn't cry for a few months afterward. there are still certain songs and movies i can't watch without being torn apart inside
nevertheless, that's not the point of this post-
i think the most important thing i learned from his death was that life is temporary. there's no guarantee that we'll make it through the night, let alone to the age of 65. and it was my dad's death that helped bring home the fact that we have to make each day really COUNT. i know that there were a lot of things my dad wanted to do, but couldn't, because of work and other responsibilities. he just never really had the time for everything
so, with that being said- realize that someday you will die. until then, you're not fully living. once you accept that you will die, be thankful that you're alive. be thankful that you can breathe, or walk, or sing, or dance- be elated that you can watch butterflies dancing across fields of wildflowers; be enamored with the fact that you CAN be enamored with things. listen to the music in your heart, and then reproduce it for those important to you. just be thankful that you're ALIVE
now live it like you mean it
godspeed
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[06 Aug 2004|10:14pm] |
there are some days when there's nothing more beautiful than a clear blue sky, fresh smooth pavement, and a tailwind.
except for maybe a clear night sky, as viewed from semi-rural north alabama.
it's ok to chase your dreams.
hushabye and goodnight
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